


Do the Stars Gaze Back?

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Brotherhood, Family, Gen, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, first wizarding war
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 03:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4418768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black sat at the edge of his flat's roof, legs dangling down. The stars were beautiful tonight and the grief hanging over him was almost too much to bear. He didn't know what he wanted but it wasn't James Potter sitting at his side when all he wanted was to be alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do the Stars Gaze Back?

**Author's Note:**

> Here am I again with a fic containing a bunch of metaphors about stars and Sirius Black. It is turning out to be a pattern isn't it? Anyway, I wrote this story to be gen but I think that some parts were written by the James/Sirius shipper in me. Nothing big or obvious but just in case: you have been warned.
> 
>  
> 
> **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Honestly people, did any of you actually think I did? The title comes from Neil Gailman's Stardust. I don't own that either.**
> 
>  
> 
> ****

 

“How are you Padfoot?”  
  
Sirius didn’t turn at the sound of James’ voice. The stars were beautiful tonight, bright and shining, too many to count. It was rare to see so many out at once these days and most took this as a good sign. A sign that the heavens were smiling down upon them and many people needed that, needed that sort of superstition in these dark times. Sirius couldn’t help but feel it was the opposite tonight. That the stars had come out in mourning, for the loss of one of their own.

“I’m fine,” he heard himself say. It was easy to find his star. The brightest one of all; just look for the three that made a line and his star wouldn’t be far. Sirius was never far off from Orion, always standing faithfully at his side. He almost laughed at the irony of how it actually turned out, how the once perfect stories got skewed by the actions of less than perfect humans.

Sirius wouldn’t allow himself to laugh though, not tonight. Not when the stars shone so bright that a part of him almost wished that the night would never end. He didn’t think he had the strength to face the morning’s light.

He heard James shuffling beside him as he sat beside Sirius at the edge of the roof, legs dangling over the edge.

It would be so easy, Sirius thought. To let go, one little push and the stars will finally take him.

“You’re not fine,” said James. Sirius might have denied it once, but he was too tired to do so tonight. He didn’t think he had the strength for anything but the stars tonight. Tonight he decided to remain silent.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” continued James in that soft even voice that drove Sirius’ mind on edge. “I really am.”

Sirius didn’t answer. It almost felt like an intrusion, James speaking, James being here, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell him. He was too lost in the sea of stars and memories of better times. Memories of who he was and who he might have been if not for the war.

“We used to do this a lot,” Sirius found himself saying. “When we were little children, just sit at the roof and stare at the stars. We’d try to find our namesakes, make a contest of who could do it quicker.” Sirius almost always won. His star stayed in the night sky all night and all year while his brother’s disappeared with the seasons. Sometimes Sirius let him win anyway, just for the look on his face.

“The night before I came to Hogwarts he was scared that things will change between us, he even made me promise that we’d do it again, we’d stare at the stars again the moment I came home and I said ‘Of course we will you oaf.’ We never did, Hogwarts changed everything.” The moment Sirius came home, he had been locked in his room or in the drawing room. Whenever he was outside the house he was with James. Sirius knew that it was his fault. Why his relationship with his brother was broken. He didn’t know how he could have fixed it and he didn’t know what he would’ve changed if he had the chance, but Sirius knew that it was his fault. The knowledge was a burden and a comfort at the same time.

“Did you ever regret it?” asked James with something like wariness in his tone. “Getting sorted in Gryffindor? Things changing between you?”

“I left him behind,” said Sirius. He didn’t know if he regretted it or not but it was true; Sirius  _had_ left Regulus behind and now here they were. “If I had gotten sorted in Slytherin, none of this would’ve happened.”

“You don’t know that,” said James, all of a sudden fervent. Full of the fire and passion that Sirius had always admired but now proved to be too much light for the blackness of night. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened to him Sirius. He made his own choices. You couldn’t have stopped him.”

“He wouldn’t have had to make them if I did what my family wanted me to do,” said Sirius, feeling very far away. It was the truth wasn’t it? If he had done what was expected of him, none of this would have fallen on his brother’s shoulders and this wouldn’t have happened.

“It’s not your fault,” said James.

“It is James,” said Sirius. He didn’t want consolation, didn’t want the guilt to be removed from him. He didn’t think he could bear the thought. He might be able to deny it come morning, but not tonight. Tonight was the night he would wallow in his guilt and tomorrow… Tomorrow he might begin to carry on. “And I have to live with that.”

There was a long silence. Sirius could almost believe that James had finally left him in peace if it wasn’t for the constant presence of him. The warmth of his body right beside Sirius, the soft sound of his breathing, his ever moving legs. Sirius knew that James meant well but his very being here felt stifling, as if it was choking the very air out of Sirius’ lungs.

“Just leave me alone James,” said Sirius quietly. He didn’t want to turn James away but he couldn’t take his presence here any more. He might have the strength for it tomorrow but not tonight. Not when the stars are shining so brightly. Not tonight, when Sirius allowed his grief to hang over him so freely. “I just need to be alone right now. Please.”

“I’m not leaving you alone,” said James, voice full of conviction and passion. It was too much, too bright. James felt like the sun that drowned out the stars, drowned everything out until he was the only thing left.

“Just leave James,” said Sirius, still trying to keep the anger out of his tone, to handle this calmly. A part of him wanted to succumb to the anger, to snap, to lash out, because James hand no right--

The stars belonged to him, to him and his brother. James had no right to intrude. “Leave me in peace.”

“So you can brood while you star gaze from a high place with your legs dangling over the edge?” challenged James. “Do you know how that sounds?”

“I need to be alone now,” Sirius bit out. “And you’re ruining it. I don’t need you here.”

“I’m not leaving you alone,” repeated James. Sirius almost turned away from the stars and towards James but he wouldn’t let him destroy this. He wouldn’t let James come between him and his brother tonight.

“Go away James,” said Sirius.

“No.”

“What do you want from me?” Sirius asked angrily. He wouldn’t turn away from the stars. He wouldn’t.

“Just talk to me Sirius,” said James, voice so damn gentle that Sirius was resisting the urge to get up and walk away just to get away from him. “Let me help you.”

“My brother is dead James,” snapped Sirius, his eyes suddenly feeling too wet and his throat too thick. Tonight, the stars, they were all for him, for Sirius’ brother. It was the only thing left that Sirius could give. “I’m not even allowed to come to his funeral. I don’t even know when it is. The stars are the only thing I have left of him and you’re here and ruining it. Just like you always do. You always come between us.”

“Sirius…”

“No James,” said Sirius. Now that he’s started, he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He didn’t know how much truth his words held but he needed, more than anything, to say them out loud. “That’s what you do. If I hadn’t met you I would still have a brother, I would have more than stars to remind me of him. You can’t be here James, not tonight. Please.”

His voice was beginning to waver and crack and once Sirius would have been mortified but not tonight. He wasn’t above anything tonight. “You can’t be here James. Not tonight. Tomorrow if you like but not tonight.  _Please._ ”

“I never meant to come between you and him,” said James quietly. “I never meant--”

“You never do James,” Sirius cut off. “It’s not your fault. But I can’t bear it James, not tonight. Please just go.”

“I’m not leaving you alone,” said James firmly.

“What do I have to do to get you to leave?”

“Nothing,” said James. “Just ignore me if you want but I’m not leaving you alone. And I never will.” It sounded like a promise, something that extended much further than this star filled night. It terrified and comforted Sirius at the same time.

“I’m not going to do anything if that’s what you’re thinking,” said Sirius scathingly. Tonight was for his brother, Sirius wouldn’t allow it to be about James. “I just want to see the stars.”

“I know that,” said James.

“Then leave me alone.”

“No.”

“Why not?” Sirius was beyond frustrated now. He almost felt touched that James was refusing to leave his side but he still couldn’t bear the thought of something, anything, intruding his last moments with his brother.

“Because you’re my friend Sirius,” said James. “What sort of friend would I be if I left you alone at a time like this?”

Sirius didn’t say anything. What was there for him to say? He knew the stubborn note in James’ voice and knew that there was no convincing him to do something other than what he wanted to do. Now more than anything, Sirius wanted to be alone, but James was here, strong and steady, refusing to budge no matter how hard Sirius tried. Grounding him when all he wanted at the moment was to disappear in the star’s light and the darkness surrounding it.

“I never meant for any of this to happen,” Sirius found the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. He didn’t know who he was speaking to any more, maybe it was to James or maybe it was to--

It wasn’t as if it mattered anyway.

“I never meant to leave,” he said, voice cracking. “I never meant to get sorted in Gryffindor, I never meant to leave, to run away. But I don’t regret it.” Tonight was not a night for lies, tomorrow perhaps, but not now. Sirius had never said any of this out loud. They’d been at the tip of his tongue for years, just waiting to be said, but he never did. And now he’ll never get the chance. The best he could do was confess under the stars and hope that it would have to be enough.

He felt a hand land on his shoulder, the grip strong and firm, keeping Sirius here and real when all he wanted was the opposite. He leaned into the touch almost automatically, his eyes closing as he rested his head against James’ shoulder.

“For what it’s worth,” said James. “I am sorry.”

“Thanks James,” said Sirius and maybe that was enough. Maybe it would have to be enough.

He opened his eyes and there it was right in front of him, bright and shining like all the rest, right at the lion’s feet, outshining every other part.

“ _Adieu_ little brother,” murmured Sirius.

James squeezed Sirius’ shoulder before dropping his hand to clasp Sirius. The two of them didn’t move until the earliest rays of sun peeked out, drowning out the sea of stars.

 


End file.
